I'll share this with my son Ryan. He's the UI designer for a video game designer and experiences frustration working with people sometimes. I guess we all do. I have a knack for rubbing people the wrong way when all I'm trying to do is do the job well. I inadvertently challenge the lack of skills in others, or purposely challenge my bosses who don't follow their own rules yet expect me to play by them. I got off on the wrong foot on day 1 of a three-week "leadership" course when we were given a task that involved measurable goals. I knew what we were supposed to do, but I didn't realize that more important than doing the job right was to gain consensus among my teammates in the 30 minutes we had to work. (I guess that's what leadership is.) One of them was nearly hysterical in wanting to see what the other group was doing first. Another obsessed over semantics. I didn't realize I had so deeply offended those two women. They made it personal. They also spread mean gossip about me to the rest of the class, planned an after-class party right in front of me and never invited me, never spoke to me or looked at me in the hallway, and ignored any contributions I made to any of the other tasks. It was like sixth grade. I felt so sorry for them. I've been moderately successful in organizing activities such as an Art Market or a petition drive, but mostly I prefer to work alone. Give me a task and it gets done. Doing it right is much more important to me than stroking egos. If I knew how to do that in "Southern lady" style I'd have been more successful in that class, I think.
Technical fields attract a high proportion of people whose talent is mostly on the brainpower side, leaving the soft skills weak. That's a polite way of describing people somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I include myself there.
I can't count the number of times I've done the types of things you describe. The situations are worst when I'm not the only one in the group who doesn't fit the norms, which sounds like part of what happened to you. I'm usually better with this stuff now than when I was young, but it doesn't come naturally and is always hard work. "Southern lady" style never sank into me either.
Neurotypical and neurodivergent people see the world very differently. On top of that, neurodivergent people don't all see the world in the same way as each other. This can mean several worlds colliding in one workplace. Those clashes are more fundamental than speaking different languages.
Regardless of which world Ryan lives in, he might benefit from reading Elizabeth Moon's novel The Speed of Dark. I may have mentioned this book before. It's the best insight I ever got into how life goes for high functioning autistic people. In the field Ryan has chosen, he will probably work with plenty during his career. Understanding how people tick makes it more feasible to find ways to get along with them.
For example, I'm thinking of a particular high ranking person in that category. I figured out quickly that he's "on the spectrum," but it took a few months to realize a vital detail of how his neurodivergence operates. He can't filter input very well. Every sensory input comes at him, demanding equal attention. It's hard to bite my tongue when he blows up in my face, but sometimes that happens just because I put too much in front of him at once. So I avoid sending him spreadsheets because those overwhelm him. He's more comfortable with graphs and charts. When I need him to do things, it's best if I only ask about one thing at a time and space them out by a few days.
I'll share this with my son Ryan. He's the UI designer for a video game designer and experiences frustration working with people sometimes. I guess we all do. I have a knack for rubbing people the wrong way when all I'm trying to do is do the job well. I inadvertently challenge the lack of skills in others, or purposely challenge my bosses who don't follow their own rules yet expect me to play by them. I got off on the wrong foot on day 1 of a three-week "leadership" course when we were given a task that involved measurable goals. I knew what we were supposed to do, but I didn't realize that more important than doing the job right was to gain consensus among my teammates in the 30 minutes we had to work. (I guess that's what leadership is.) One of them was nearly hysterical in wanting to see what the other group was doing first. Another obsessed over semantics. I didn't realize I had so deeply offended those two women. They made it personal. They also spread mean gossip about me to the rest of the class, planned an after-class party right in front of me and never invited me, never spoke to me or looked at me in the hallway, and ignored any contributions I made to any of the other tasks. It was like sixth grade. I felt so sorry for them. I've been moderately successful in organizing activities such as an Art Market or a petition drive, but mostly I prefer to work alone. Give me a task and it gets done. Doing it right is much more important to me than stroking egos. If I knew how to do that in "Southern lady" style I'd have been more successful in that class, I think.
Technical fields attract a high proportion of people whose talent is mostly on the brainpower side, leaving the soft skills weak. That's a polite way of describing people somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I include myself there.
I can't count the number of times I've done the types of things you describe. The situations are worst when I'm not the only one in the group who doesn't fit the norms, which sounds like part of what happened to you. I'm usually better with this stuff now than when I was young, but it doesn't come naturally and is always hard work. "Southern lady" style never sank into me either.
Neurotypical and neurodivergent people see the world very differently. On top of that, neurodivergent people don't all see the world in the same way as each other. This can mean several worlds colliding in one workplace. Those clashes are more fundamental than speaking different languages.
Regardless of which world Ryan lives in, he might benefit from reading Elizabeth Moon's novel The Speed of Dark. I may have mentioned this book before. It's the best insight I ever got into how life goes for high functioning autistic people. In the field Ryan has chosen, he will probably work with plenty during his career. Understanding how people tick makes it more feasible to find ways to get along with them.
For example, I'm thinking of a particular high ranking person in that category. I figured out quickly that he's "on the spectrum," but it took a few months to realize a vital detail of how his neurodivergence operates. He can't filter input very well. Every sensory input comes at him, demanding equal attention. It's hard to bite my tongue when he blows up in my face, but sometimes that happens just because I put too much in front of him at once. So I avoid sending him spreadsheets because those overwhelm him. He's more comfortable with graphs and charts. When I need him to do things, it's best if I only ask about one thing at a time and space them out by a few days.
Yep, people are definitely the hardest part.