In Memoriam

Photo by Natesh Vallury at Scopio

It’s that time again. After the vigil, after last visits, it’s time for grieving, condolences, remembrance.

At the edge of my mind it’s also a reminder.

Saying Goodbye

How do you say goodbye to someone you know is dying? What if they don’t realize they’re dying, or they do but have no idea when it will happen? How can you say goodbye when you may get to see each other again, maybe even lots of times, before the end? Won’t saying goodbye over and over become morbid?

These are questions we all have to find answers for someday if we live long enough ourselves. Maybe you already did. In case it is still ahead for you, I can tell you what I decided upon. As people say in the chronic illness community about treatments and coping mechanisms, your mileage may vary (YMMV).

I decided the best way to say goodbye is to say hello.

This is what my wife and I attempted to do with someone we lost recently. Sometimes it felt like our visits said hello. That’s what we tried to do.

It’s good near the very end. It’s good with someone who might be around for months or years ahead. It’s good when they know what’s coming and it’s good when they don’t. At least, it seems to me that it is.

So if you are wondering how to say goodbye and haven’t settled on a way yet, feel free to try it. Just remember, YMMV.

Preparation

We can ease the burden on people around us by taking care of some practical minutae ahead of our own demise. If we’re helping someone who is facing their end, these are part of what they may want help to set up. It isn’t always entirely about meals, chores and personal care.

Powers of attorney establish who will who will take care of business, bill paying, feeding the pets and whatever else has to be done whenever the person who is fading can’t do such things themselves. There may need to be one for personal matters and another for business matters.

What people call a living will (which has different formal names in different places) lays down boundaries and guidance for medical care, and specifies who can make medical decisions whenever the patient is unable to do so.

Having a last will and testament is essential to make sure what happens to belongings in the aftermath is what the deceased wanted to happen.

Funeral wishes don’t belong in that document because it probably won’t even be read until days or weeks after the funeral. What should the obituary say? Will there be cremation? Burial? If burial, in what type of coffin and where? Cremation and then burial of the ashes at the roots of a newly planted tree? (I’m acquainted with a UK business trying to get started with that as its offer. It’s especially appealing here because burial plots here can be on a lease. When the lease expires after, say, 50 years, someone else can lease the same plot and be buried above previous coffins.) What type of memorial service, if any? With what music? Religious service, secular ceremony, Masonic ceremony, New Orleans style jazz funeral, or something else? Blended? A dear friend who died months ago had family and friends all over the world, and had the memorial service livestreamed. At the end, her eldest daughter came to the camera and thanked us all for attending. We were included even though we couldn’t be there. Making such decisions and arrangements in the immediate aftermath of someone’s death is hard for the survivors.

People like me who have a foot in more than one country need a set of some of these papers for each country. The papers drawn up in one country often have no bearing in the other country. The sets of papers won’t be identical because each country applies its own laws and rules, but they have to mesh so probate won’t be a complete nightmare.

British readers should note that multiple people who understand how the NHS and home health care work advise never to allow a Do Not Resuscitate order and never to sign an agreement not to be readmitted to hospital. I’ve heard a few horrifying first hand accounts about reasons for that advice.

Practical matters aside, there is always something about the death of someone you love that hits in ways you don’t expect. You can try to brace anyway. The attempt to brace does help. But I’ve stood in a funeral home with other relatives when we had no idea what type of coffin to choose. We ended up laughing in a tone of hysteria because otherwise we would have cried too hard to finish arranging the funeral. We can prepare, but don’t be too surprised about having feelings and reactions that seem crazy.

Honoring the Memory

After someone we care about dies, if they left guidance about how they wanted us to honor their memory, usually it’s best to go with their wishes. I say “usually” because sometimes it isn’t feasible. Nobody could have a big in-person memorial service during lockdown, as one example. Sometimes last wishes are too outlandish to carry out. Most of the time, though, we can do pretty much what was requested.

However, although the funeral or memorial service is about them, it isn’t really for them. It’s for people who are still here. It’s about them but it’s for us.

It also isn’t the only time or the only way we can remember them and honor the life they led. That has infinite possibilities. Wearing their favorite coat in winter. Going to their favorite spot every year on their birthday. Playing their guitar. Telling stories about their lives to youngsters in the family. Using their woodworking tools to make furniture like they did. Publishing a book about them if they led a remarkable life. Establishing a scholarship in their name.

Tiny things matter as much as big things. What we do in memoriam can be small or large, intensely personal or very public. What matters is whether it feels like an appropriate remembrance.

If There Are Too Many

In the developed world we have gotten accustomed to long lives. Life expectancy in both of my countries has fallen dramatically from 2020 onward and shows no signs of turning around. That means on average people are not living as long. It means more memorial services.

This week Jessica Wildfire posted a couple of times about excess mortality (more deaths per capita than the pattern before the pandemic began) from a mostly USA perspective using recent data. You don’t have to believe her (or me). Look at what insurers are doing. Their actuaries know what’s happening and are pushing through changes in the availability and details of life insurance. Or listen to major business publications such as The Economist, which estimate in May that excess mortality is about 5% across multiple countries.

People who are paying attention see we are at the leading edge of a wave of more deaths than normal. Most straight people in the developed world cannot imagine what appears to be coming. The gay community has been through it before within the past couple of generations. Gay men died of AIDS in droves. Gay men and lesbians bore the brunt of caretaking for those who were dying, especially in the earliest years when others shunned them.

I’m not the right person to say how to cope if too many deaths come too close together. If it gets that bad, we will need to turn to the nearest gay man of a certain age (say, mid-fifties and above) to ask for their wisdom. Their forgiveness, because entire societies generally didn’t help enough in the horrible years before effective treatments began to emerge for AIDS… and their wisdom about how not to crumple under the weight of being a survivor.

Sorry this post is such a downer. It has come from a bad couple of weeks that I wish would never have an echo for anyone. I’ve gone back and forth about whether to post it at all or throw it away.

If it is worth anything at all, I hope you will say hello today to someone you care about. Hello.