You could both write a "book" about your life experiences. I got my Mom to do that years ago but she only got up to age 15 and then decided she didn't want to do any more. We did get some of her stories on video, though, and that was part of what I was going to show at her funeral. To pre-empt that tribute (mostly because most of the photos and videos were done by me because I was the only one who did anything fun with Momma), my sister's son got up and rambled almost incoherently for a half hour to "run out the clock." Previously I've been nothing but kind to him. I guess it's easier to be evil than nice in my sister's family. Yes, the toxicity has always been there, but with Momma gone, I don't need to subject myself to it anymore.
At least your mom got as far as age 15, and you have those videos even if nobody else at her funeral wanted to see them. It was rotten to block you from showing the photos and videos, and especially rotten to do it in such a way. No, you have to put yourself through that any more.
I've begun some writing. I like to write, but it isn't easy and doesn't amount to much yet. We encouraged my mother's father to use a tape recorder to record stories from his life. Different people are more comfortable with different ways of creating such a legacy. Yours might be all photography...
A necessary and thought-provoking post. When my Daddy died 32 years ago, my sister and I got on a hysterical laughing jag immediately after the funeral (I can't remember what set it off) and it seemed to serve as a stress relief valve. So I relate to your observation about what might seem as inappropriate laughter is really part of our coping mechanism. I was surprised and pleased that my Utah aunt's funeral last week was live-streamed. I didn't know that was a "thing," but I was glad to participate in that way. When I wanted to video my mom's funeral last year, my sociopathic narcissist sister was furious and refused to let me video anything she or her Mafioso sons said. It was a shame, because she had a wonderful story to tell about Momma and I would have liked to recorded it. The service ended with a their sabotage of the photo presentation I was to give and it was so ugly and mean-spirited (in addition to the other things she did during that time) that I divorced my siblings for good. My son knows my wishes should I be in a persistent vegetative state, as I had a friend who was like that for a decade, and it was her Catholic family's wishes that she be kept alive. I don't think my friend would have wanted that, though. I wrote out a living will as soon as I returned home, and I've told my son I've had a good enough life that I don't want to hang on like that. My ashes are to be scattered around Mt. Rainier and in Big Bend National Park. My siblings are not to be part of any memorial. I wonder how many people write their own obituaries. It sounds like a fun project.
I knew you had severed ties with them but didn't know details about why. Being outright nasty at a memorial service seems awfully... "low" is the most polite word I can think of. It's toxic. Forgiveness is a gift, not an obligation, and I can certainly understand being unwilling to forgive them.
Mt. Rainier and Big Bend feel like appropriate places for you to want someday take flight on the air and rest on the land. I hope your son won't ever need to use your living will. But at least you've made one, just in case.
I have no idea what I would say in my own obituary. I haven't done that. My wife knows only patches about my life before we met, so I guess I should at least jot down some notes. Maybe she should, too.
Bonnie, I wouldn't consider this a downer. It's the facts of Life, after all, and people don't speak enough about dying and death; somewhere along the way, it became a taboo subject here in the US (flash thought: I'm guessing some time after the rise of Hollywood when the 'young & beautiful' people became the focus of entertainment, and when 'baby shows [pageants]' took hold). That trend of not acknowledging death is slowly being reversed, but has a long way to go.
My mom recently died. It's been a month and a handful of days since then, and last weekend we (my sister & brother) flew back to NY for her memorial service.
Thinking of what you wrote- that it was for us, not her- rings true. Unfortunately, despite our long-distance planning & requests, her church did what they thought best and it ended up being (to me, anyway) a cold, stress-filled, and empty service, not the warm, intimate gathering, laughter & tear-filled time I had imagined.
We, as a people, need to talk about dying and death, and what takes place after a person dies. It needs to be discussed in the light, rather than whispered about in the dark and only when it has already occurred. Paid Bereavement leave needs to be a reality, just as Maternity/Paternity leave has become such.
After reading your words, I know that I will be finishing my Will, and planning what I'd like to happen after my death. I've been putting it off, but after the experience with mom's memorial and this article, no longer.
Thanks, Bonnie. I appreciate you and your writing.
I had no idea you've been going through all of that. You have my condolences. I'm sorry the memorial service wasn't what you wanted.
Where I grew up, the memorial service is only a small part. It's an onslaught of having to make arrangements, rotating family between the family home and funeral home to receive visitors paying their respects at both places, enough prepared food arriving at the family home to feed an army, then the memorial service, the graveside service, and everyone going from there to the family home for a few hours of eating and reminiscing. I used to think it didn't make sense. Then I realized it exhausts the family so much that it becomes impossible to hold grief at bay any more. This days-long ritual makes people allow themselves to grieve.
So I am sorry you didn't have at least enough of that to give you the warmth and memories you wanted. That leaves you needing to fill the gap on your own. It's a shame.
Yes to bereavement leave. Not all of us go through maternity or paternity, but if we live long enough we are all bereaved eventually, more than once.
It wasn't appropriate to mention here before, but yes. Mom had lung cancer and had most of her left lung removed 2 years ago; all scans and tests returned good results up until April of this year, but mom had been having issues as early as February. She never fully recovered from the surgery, and was in too much pain and exhausted to be able to keep the appointments in March, so it wasn't discovered until late April that it had returned with a vengeance and metastasized in her lungs, liver, bones, and potentially her brain, and broke 3 of her ribs.
I was able to fly out (she lived in upstate NY) mid-May and spend a week with her in hospital, but by then she was on hospice and not doing well; my sister-in-law arrived 2 days after I left and moved mountains to get mom from the hospital to her home in PA. Both my sister (in KY) and I were flying to PA June 4 to be with her, but an hour before I was to leave for the airport. my brother called and said mom had died.
We didn't have a funeral, since mom chose to be cremated and she wasn't at her home in NY so there was none of that time for us as you spoke of. We had to handle everything long-distance. My brother and his wife have been clearing out her apartment and sending the occasional texts to see if there were items we wanted, so neither my sister nor I had that time to grieve as family. We did, though, during the whirlwind trip for the memorial, but it just isn't enough and dear gods, it hurts.
Wow, that's an ordeal for all of you. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you needed warmth in a memorial service, more warmth than what you somehow spun during the trip. I keep just saying I'm sorry because I can't think what else to say...
Thank you for your caring. It is good to know that I am heard.
So much was completely off on those 3 days that I can't even process it. A hour before the service I get a call from the florist that the payment was declined; I placed the order 2 weeks ahead of time. Why did they wait?!?
The pastor of mom's church gave a bland sermon and spoke about his family during it. My sister got up & walked out, and I should have, too. And so on... It was a surreal 3 days of 10+ hours travel time to & fro, very little family time, an empty memorial, and being at work the following day.
The florist I could understand, not trying to put the charge through until they had done the work. The rest of it... yuck. Especially having to go right back to work after all that. Small wonder that you are still reeling.
That's interesting, because I've worked at 2 florist shops (currently at one now) and we've always charged at time of order, no matter the delivery date. It's too easy for people to cancel an order after we've already purchased the flowers.
You could both write a "book" about your life experiences. I got my Mom to do that years ago but she only got up to age 15 and then decided she didn't want to do any more. We did get some of her stories on video, though, and that was part of what I was going to show at her funeral. To pre-empt that tribute (mostly because most of the photos and videos were done by me because I was the only one who did anything fun with Momma), my sister's son got up and rambled almost incoherently for a half hour to "run out the clock." Previously I've been nothing but kind to him. I guess it's easier to be evil than nice in my sister's family. Yes, the toxicity has always been there, but with Momma gone, I don't need to subject myself to it anymore.
At least your mom got as far as age 15, and you have those videos even if nobody else at her funeral wanted to see them. It was rotten to block you from showing the photos and videos, and especially rotten to do it in such a way. No, you have to put yourself through that any more.
I've begun some writing. I like to write, but it isn't easy and doesn't amount to much yet. We encouraged my mother's father to use a tape recorder to record stories from his life. Different people are more comfortable with different ways of creating such a legacy. Yours might be all photography...
I enjoyed your grandfather's book - great job all the way around with storytelling and editing.
Thank you. The storytelling was all his. All I had to do was pull it together, really.
A necessary and thought-provoking post. When my Daddy died 32 years ago, my sister and I got on a hysterical laughing jag immediately after the funeral (I can't remember what set it off) and it seemed to serve as a stress relief valve. So I relate to your observation about what might seem as inappropriate laughter is really part of our coping mechanism. I was surprised and pleased that my Utah aunt's funeral last week was live-streamed. I didn't know that was a "thing," but I was glad to participate in that way. When I wanted to video my mom's funeral last year, my sociopathic narcissist sister was furious and refused to let me video anything she or her Mafioso sons said. It was a shame, because she had a wonderful story to tell about Momma and I would have liked to recorded it. The service ended with a their sabotage of the photo presentation I was to give and it was so ugly and mean-spirited (in addition to the other things she did during that time) that I divorced my siblings for good. My son knows my wishes should I be in a persistent vegetative state, as I had a friend who was like that for a decade, and it was her Catholic family's wishes that she be kept alive. I don't think my friend would have wanted that, though. I wrote out a living will as soon as I returned home, and I've told my son I've had a good enough life that I don't want to hang on like that. My ashes are to be scattered around Mt. Rainier and in Big Bend National Park. My siblings are not to be part of any memorial. I wonder how many people write their own obituaries. It sounds like a fun project.
I knew you had severed ties with them but didn't know details about why. Being outright nasty at a memorial service seems awfully... "low" is the most polite word I can think of. It's toxic. Forgiveness is a gift, not an obligation, and I can certainly understand being unwilling to forgive them.
Mt. Rainier and Big Bend feel like appropriate places for you to want someday take flight on the air and rest on the land. I hope your son won't ever need to use your living will. But at least you've made one, just in case.
I have no idea what I would say in my own obituary. I haven't done that. My wife knows only patches about my life before we met, so I guess I should at least jot down some notes. Maybe she should, too.
Bonnie, I wouldn't consider this a downer. It's the facts of Life, after all, and people don't speak enough about dying and death; somewhere along the way, it became a taboo subject here in the US (flash thought: I'm guessing some time after the rise of Hollywood when the 'young & beautiful' people became the focus of entertainment, and when 'baby shows [pageants]' took hold). That trend of not acknowledging death is slowly being reversed, but has a long way to go.
My mom recently died. It's been a month and a handful of days since then, and last weekend we (my sister & brother) flew back to NY for her memorial service.
Thinking of what you wrote- that it was for us, not her- rings true. Unfortunately, despite our long-distance planning & requests, her church did what they thought best and it ended up being (to me, anyway) a cold, stress-filled, and empty service, not the warm, intimate gathering, laughter & tear-filled time I had imagined.
We, as a people, need to talk about dying and death, and what takes place after a person dies. It needs to be discussed in the light, rather than whispered about in the dark and only when it has already occurred. Paid Bereavement leave needs to be a reality, just as Maternity/Paternity leave has become such.
After reading your words, I know that I will be finishing my Will, and planning what I'd like to happen after my death. I've been putting it off, but after the experience with mom's memorial and this article, no longer.
Thanks, Bonnie. I appreciate you and your writing.
I had no idea you've been going through all of that. You have my condolences. I'm sorry the memorial service wasn't what you wanted.
Where I grew up, the memorial service is only a small part. It's an onslaught of having to make arrangements, rotating family between the family home and funeral home to receive visitors paying their respects at both places, enough prepared food arriving at the family home to feed an army, then the memorial service, the graveside service, and everyone going from there to the family home for a few hours of eating and reminiscing. I used to think it didn't make sense. Then I realized it exhausts the family so much that it becomes impossible to hold grief at bay any more. This days-long ritual makes people allow themselves to grieve.
So I am sorry you didn't have at least enough of that to give you the warmth and memories you wanted. That leaves you needing to fill the gap on your own. It's a shame.
Yes to bereavement leave. Not all of us go through maternity or paternity, but if we live long enough we are all bereaved eventually, more than once.
I need to update some of my preparations too.
I appreciate you and your comments. Thank you.
It wasn't appropriate to mention here before, but yes. Mom had lung cancer and had most of her left lung removed 2 years ago; all scans and tests returned good results up until April of this year, but mom had been having issues as early as February. She never fully recovered from the surgery, and was in too much pain and exhausted to be able to keep the appointments in March, so it wasn't discovered until late April that it had returned with a vengeance and metastasized in her lungs, liver, bones, and potentially her brain, and broke 3 of her ribs.
I was able to fly out (she lived in upstate NY) mid-May and spend a week with her in hospital, but by then she was on hospice and not doing well; my sister-in-law arrived 2 days after I left and moved mountains to get mom from the hospital to her home in PA. Both my sister (in KY) and I were flying to PA June 4 to be with her, but an hour before I was to leave for the airport. my brother called and said mom had died.
We didn't have a funeral, since mom chose to be cremated and she wasn't at her home in NY so there was none of that time for us as you spoke of. We had to handle everything long-distance. My brother and his wife have been clearing out her apartment and sending the occasional texts to see if there were items we wanted, so neither my sister nor I had that time to grieve as family. We did, though, during the whirlwind trip for the memorial, but it just isn't enough and dear gods, it hurts.
Wow, that's an ordeal for all of you. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you needed warmth in a memorial service, more warmth than what you somehow spun during the trip. I keep just saying I'm sorry because I can't think what else to say...
Thank you for your caring. It is good to know that I am heard.
So much was completely off on those 3 days that I can't even process it. A hour before the service I get a call from the florist that the payment was declined; I placed the order 2 weeks ahead of time. Why did they wait?!?
The pastor of mom's church gave a bland sermon and spoke about his family during it. My sister got up & walked out, and I should have, too. And so on... It was a surreal 3 days of 10+ hours travel time to & fro, very little family time, an empty memorial, and being at work the following day.
The florist I could understand, not trying to put the charge through until they had done the work. The rest of it... yuck. Especially having to go right back to work after all that. Small wonder that you are still reeling.
That's interesting, because I've worked at 2 florist shops (currently at one now) and we've always charged at time of order, no matter the delivery date. It's too easy for people to cancel an order after we've already purchased the flowers.
I hadn't thought of that. Now your annoyance at the florist makes perfect sense.