I had no idea you've been going through all of that. You have my condolences. I'm sorry the memorial service wasn't what you wanted.
Where I grew up, the memorial service is only a small part. It's an onslaught of having to make arrangements, rotating family between the family home and funeral home to receive visitors paying their respect…
I had no idea you've been going through all of that. You have my condolences. I'm sorry the memorial service wasn't what you wanted.
Where I grew up, the memorial service is only a small part. It's an onslaught of having to make arrangements, rotating family between the family home and funeral home to receive visitors paying their respects at both places, enough prepared food arriving at the family home to feed an army, then the memorial service, the graveside service, and everyone going from there to the family home for a few hours of eating and reminiscing. I used to think it didn't make sense. Then I realized it exhausts the family so much that it becomes impossible to hold grief at bay any more. This days-long ritual makes people allow themselves to grieve.
So I am sorry you didn't have at least enough of that to give you the warmth and memories you wanted. That leaves you needing to fill the gap on your own. It's a shame.
Yes to bereavement leave. Not all of us go through maternity or paternity, but if we live long enough we are all bereaved eventually, more than once.
It wasn't appropriate to mention here before, but yes. Mom had lung cancer and had most of her left lung removed 2 years ago; all scans and tests returned good results up until April of this year, but mom had been having issues as early as February. She never fully recovered from the surgery, and was in too much pain and exhausted to be able to keep the appointments in March, so it wasn't discovered until late April that it had returned with a vengeance and metastasized in her lungs, liver, bones, and potentially her brain, and broke 3 of her ribs.
I was able to fly out (she lived in upstate NY) mid-May and spend a week with her in hospital, but by then she was on hospice and not doing well; my sister-in-law arrived 2 days after I left and moved mountains to get mom from the hospital to her home in PA. Both my sister (in KY) and I were flying to PA June 4 to be with her, but an hour before I was to leave for the airport. my brother called and said mom had died.
We didn't have a funeral, since mom chose to be cremated and she wasn't at her home in NY so there was none of that time for us as you spoke of. We had to handle everything long-distance. My brother and his wife have been clearing out her apartment and sending the occasional texts to see if there were items we wanted, so neither my sister nor I had that time to grieve as family. We did, though, during the whirlwind trip for the memorial, but it just isn't enough and dear gods, it hurts.
Wow, that's an ordeal for all of you. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you needed warmth in a memorial service, more warmth than what you somehow spun during the trip. I keep just saying I'm sorry because I can't think what else to say...
Thank you for your caring. It is good to know that I am heard.
So much was completely off on those 3 days that I can't even process it. A hour before the service I get a call from the florist that the payment was declined; I placed the order 2 weeks ahead of time. Why did they wait?!?
The pastor of mom's church gave a bland sermon and spoke about his family during it. My sister got up & walked out, and I should have, too. And so on... It was a surreal 3 days of 10+ hours travel time to & fro, very little family time, an empty memorial, and being at work the following day.
The florist I could understand, not trying to put the charge through until they had done the work. The rest of it... yuck. Especially having to go right back to work after all that. Small wonder that you are still reeling.
That's interesting, because I've worked at 2 florist shops (currently at one now) and we've always charged at time of order, no matter the delivery date. It's too easy for people to cancel an order after we've already purchased the flowers.
I had no idea you've been going through all of that. You have my condolences. I'm sorry the memorial service wasn't what you wanted.
Where I grew up, the memorial service is only a small part. It's an onslaught of having to make arrangements, rotating family between the family home and funeral home to receive visitors paying their respects at both places, enough prepared food arriving at the family home to feed an army, then the memorial service, the graveside service, and everyone going from there to the family home for a few hours of eating and reminiscing. I used to think it didn't make sense. Then I realized it exhausts the family so much that it becomes impossible to hold grief at bay any more. This days-long ritual makes people allow themselves to grieve.
So I am sorry you didn't have at least enough of that to give you the warmth and memories you wanted. That leaves you needing to fill the gap on your own. It's a shame.
Yes to bereavement leave. Not all of us go through maternity or paternity, but if we live long enough we are all bereaved eventually, more than once.
I need to update some of my preparations too.
I appreciate you and your comments. Thank you.
It wasn't appropriate to mention here before, but yes. Mom had lung cancer and had most of her left lung removed 2 years ago; all scans and tests returned good results up until April of this year, but mom had been having issues as early as February. She never fully recovered from the surgery, and was in too much pain and exhausted to be able to keep the appointments in March, so it wasn't discovered until late April that it had returned with a vengeance and metastasized in her lungs, liver, bones, and potentially her brain, and broke 3 of her ribs.
I was able to fly out (she lived in upstate NY) mid-May and spend a week with her in hospital, but by then she was on hospice and not doing well; my sister-in-law arrived 2 days after I left and moved mountains to get mom from the hospital to her home in PA. Both my sister (in KY) and I were flying to PA June 4 to be with her, but an hour before I was to leave for the airport. my brother called and said mom had died.
We didn't have a funeral, since mom chose to be cremated and she wasn't at her home in NY so there was none of that time for us as you spoke of. We had to handle everything long-distance. My brother and his wife have been clearing out her apartment and sending the occasional texts to see if there were items we wanted, so neither my sister nor I had that time to grieve as family. We did, though, during the whirlwind trip for the memorial, but it just isn't enough and dear gods, it hurts.
Wow, that's an ordeal for all of you. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you needed warmth in a memorial service, more warmth than what you somehow spun during the trip. I keep just saying I'm sorry because I can't think what else to say...
Thank you for your caring. It is good to know that I am heard.
So much was completely off on those 3 days that I can't even process it. A hour before the service I get a call from the florist that the payment was declined; I placed the order 2 weeks ahead of time. Why did they wait?!?
The pastor of mom's church gave a bland sermon and spoke about his family during it. My sister got up & walked out, and I should have, too. And so on... It was a surreal 3 days of 10+ hours travel time to & fro, very little family time, an empty memorial, and being at work the following day.
The florist I could understand, not trying to put the charge through until they had done the work. The rest of it... yuck. Especially having to go right back to work after all that. Small wonder that you are still reeling.
That's interesting, because I've worked at 2 florist shops (currently at one now) and we've always charged at time of order, no matter the delivery date. It's too easy for people to cancel an order after we've already purchased the flowers.
I hadn't thought of that. Now your annoyance at the florist makes perfect sense.